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I'm a failure

3/9/2008

This may be one of the most important entries you will read. Please read carefully, ingest all that I have to say, and learn very dilligently from the mistakes I'm about to offer up as sage advice for your travel down this road.

I've blown it.

I don't know exactly where in this process I blew it, but I can probably identify several accomplices. Let me try to address some of them.

I stopped walking. About 90 days post-surgery I stopped walking because of persistent pain in my leg. That's understandable, but what's not forgivable is that I never started walking again. I'm just now getting back to walking because of my diagnosis du jour - fibromayalgia. More on the diagnosis shooting gallery later. But you can't stop walking, and I never should have. It's one of the most important things in your new life. But I'm starting up again, and that by itself is not the sole reason I've failed in this mission.

I also make poor eating choices. I'm not back to the capacity of where I was before the surgery, but most post-op patients would find their eyes as large as saucers if they heard how much I CAN eat. It seems I've manage to stretch my stomach to dimensions I believed to be impossible, and certainly not to the point I've ever heard of before. But it's not just the amount I can eat - I have come to rely too much on dumping as a mechanism to temper my taste in food I should not be eating. And the fact is I just found out that dumping will be going away in a couple of years. I guess I'm surprised, but I shouldn't be. But the bottom line is that I've got to get back to eating the right things, and that sounds just like where I was before I had the surgery. And we all know how good we were at that.

I've also been bad at medicating. Oh, I've been very careful to take the vitamins. But the calcium I completely ignored because of my unbelievable ability to get kidney stones. The other stuff I eventually weened off, and I feel ashamed of that. I should be taking everything, and I'm not intentionally failing to do it - but somehow it's getting lost in the shuffle. My wife is far too busy and should not have to keep reminding me to take my fiber and other meds, so push the blame towards my shame.

If I sound depressed, maybe it's because of the fibermyalgia. Maybe it's because of all the pain I'm in daily. Maybe it's because I've not lost a pound since Thanksgiving (3 1/2 months ago). But I think it's because I've failed everyone. The surgeons, the staff, my family and myself.

Oh and the fibermyalgia - I almost forgot to mention that. That is the latest diagnosis from my rheumatologist, although I did receive a letter in the mail that also indicated incredibly low levels of Vitamin D. Funny, I always specialized in D's in college and high school. But now I'm taking additional vitamin D and we'll see where that takes me. There's an outside chance I still have lupus and/or arthritis, so the House episode I'm stuck in will continue for a few more weeks. I'm starting to become a recurring role, rather than just a guest appearance.

I've also made the mistake of not staying in touch with other patients. The email list really ticked me off - the clique-ness that I percieved really turned me off to being a part of it, and I should have just ignored that and stuck with it.

You need to exercise.

You need to eat right.

You need to medicate properly.

You need to stay in touch with a support system.

And you need to get in touch with the emotion of overeating and find another outlet.

If you don't do the first four, the outlet you'll likely find is more eating or what I've found - the strong desire just to give up.

I don't feel like fighting anymore. Is it just me, or is this post a little on the dark side?

Please learn from me and do things right. I'm going to try to fix all I've screwed up, but I'm fighting a much harder battle now than I should be.

Please leave some comments - you guys stopped leaving them and I wish I could tell you how much they mean.

As my daughter loves to say, Peace - Out.

Read more: http://www.highpointregional.com/blogs/entry.asp?i=1205077982014#ixzz1iQgKinp4

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